September, 2003

Dear Abby -
Are you the same Abby Borden who is on the board of the YMCA? -
Just Curious

Dear Curious -
I do not know. I think that is a question best directed to the Fall River Historical Society. But be patient. Currently there is a waiting period of about 30 years for letters to be answered.

Dear Abby -
My daughter is planning her wedding, and I would like your advice on the wedding feast. We can't decide whether to have ham, chicken or beef as the main course. What did you have after your wedding? -
Mrs. Alvin Durfee

Dear Mrs. Durfee -
A headache.

Dear Abby -
Some townsfolk, zey are saying I do not cut zee hair good. Thees eez a lie. I was trained in only zee best Paris salons. I look to you to save my reputation. Sincerely - Pierrre LaDuc

Dear Pierre -
I must say that the last time my husband was in your shop, you gave him a real hack job. (I really must say it. My husband said if I tell people you are good, you may raise your prices.)

Dear Abby -
Your step-daughter, Lizzie, was in pre-planning your funeral, and we left out one item. Your favorite hymn is _____? -
The Reverend E. A. Buck

Dear Rev. Buck -
Why, Mr. Borden, of course! And how thoughtful of my step-daughter to do this.

Confidential to Mr. Jules Rychebusch -
I have heard that you refer to me as a "lump of oatmeal" in an interview in "Hash and Re-hash". I wish to let you and others know that there is much more to my being than my weight and an emphasis on food. (By the way, if you have the recipe for that 'hash' I would love it. Also the 're-hash', as we do use leftovers often.)

July-August, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
What overnight guests are you expecting on Monday, August 8?
- H. Knowlton, Marion

Dear Mr. Knowlton,
It is no business of yours, sir. But so my readers do not think that I have anything to hide or that I tell falsehoods, I will share the answer with them. I am not expecting anyone. I keep the excuse handy for whenever Mr. Morse may make one of his unexpected visits, so that he does not over-stay his welcome as he has in the past.

Dear Abby,
I had the pleasure of sharing a seat with your step-daughter, Miss Emma, on a train last year to Fairhaven. She is so quiet and proper. What a source of pride she must bring to your family. Why, she must not have an enemy in the entire world. - Train Traveler

Dear T T,
Thank you for your kind letter. Regretfully there are always some who are simply disagreeable. The Spiering family makes fun of her facial hair, and the Engstroms think she drinks!

Dear Abby,
If you knew you had but a few minutes to live, what would you do with your time? - Student of Human Behavior

Dear Student,
Hmm … Well, I would take off the rat in my hair I suppose. It is not comfortable. Oh, and I would make sure the house was tidy, complete down to the pillow shams. After all, the Borden name does happen to be a cut above the rest.

Dear Abby,
My husband and I have pet names for each other - innocent, affectionate names - that we sometimes use in public. Is this acceptable? - Name Caller

Dear Caller,
Perfectly acceptable. My husband and I have pet names for each other as well. On occasion I will call him "cupcake". He refers to me as "poundcake".

Dear Abby,
I love to go to Sunday school at the Central Congregational mission but I do not have a way to get there every week. I cannot afford the horse car. What do you suggest? - Lo Mein, Fall River

Dear Lo Mein,
Why don't you wok?

This month's edition of Dear Abby is sponsored by Dr. Benjamin J. Handy of Fall River.

Looking for a cottage to rent in Marion? On the water. Good fishing. Sleeps 6. Reasonably priced. A perfect summer vacation getaway for a group. Find your sinkers and drop me a line - Dr. B J Handy (Owner reserves the right to drop in unannounced.)

Confidential to Mr. McWhirr: Simply send the bill to the "young lady's" father and he will reimburse you. In the future, kindly send your correspondence to my home.

June, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
My husband has an ailment that is driving me crazy as a loon. He only has the ability to speak two words. If he tries to communicate something to someone, he will point and say the two words, over and over in frustration. If you ask him something, his answer is always those same two words. I have taken him to every doctor in the area and none have been able to help. I am writing in hopes that you can. Oh, in case it helps any, the two words are "not guilty". - Mrs. Charles Richards

Dear Mrs. Richards,
Try a psychiatrist in the Boston area. Do write and let us know the verdict.

Dear Abby,
My name is George Revere and I live in Somerset. I am new to the area. Just wanted to introduce myself to all the fine folk that read your column. Sincerely - Henry Trickey - uh, I mean GEORGE REVERE.

Dear Mr. Revere,
Please know that the good ladies of the Fruit and Flower Mission tried to bring you a welcome basket but they could not locate you. Welcome anyway.

Dear Abby,
I am planning to wear a long sleeved, dark Bengaline silk dress to a special occasion in August. My sister thinks this is a ridiculous choice for what will probably be a very warm day. Wouldn't my choice of dress be appropriate if someone wished to blend in with the crowd without drawing notice, as do I? Not to mention that any stains, food stains, would not be seen. - Sister of a deadbeat, Fall River

Dear Sister,
Normally I would suggest something lighter, a Bedford cord, perhaps, depending on the formality of the event. However you will be the one to wear it and the choice is yours. If I knew what the event was, I would be able to advise you better. Hmm… there is an oyster party given by the YMCA on August 1, but I see nothing on my calendar after the 3rd.

Dear Abby,
I am newly married and do all right in the kitchen. But next month my in-laws are coming from Baltimore and I am to prepare a turkey dinner. I have never done a turkey in my life. I do have a cook, but my husband wants me to do this myself. I feel so - Helpless on the Hill

Dear Helpless,
I had to research this, as I too have a cook. According to Mrs. Stephen J. Field from 'Statesman's Dishes and How to Cook Them': "The turkey should be cooped up and fed some time before Christmas. Three days before it is slaughtered, it should have an English walnut forced down its throat three times a day, and a glass of sherry once a day. The meat will be deliciously tender, and have a fine nutty flavor." Looks like you'll have to ask your in-laws to postpone their trip until December.

Hot off the press for all you June brides, "Dear Abby's Guide to Weddings". This informative and helpful booklet will have your wedding woes fastly turned into the happiness of expectation you should have before your marriage (that is 'before', not 'after'). Bridal attendants: how many should I have and what exactly do they attend? Home wedding or church wedding - how to decide if your parents haven't already decided for you. Your Wedding Tour - New York City? The Green Mountains? Niagara Falls? Cincinnati? All this and more if you send in one dime to me, in care of this publication. (And remember, girls: chaperones, chaperones, chaperones until you have that "Mrs." in front of your name.)

This edition of "Dear Abby"
Has been sponsored by
Tripp's Restaurant
80 Second Street
Fall River
" The best thing on your lips is a meal from Tripp's"
(Summer complainers discount with doctor's note)

May, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby - Can you recommend an establishment that gets blood stains out of carpeting? I do not need them at the moment. So it would be best if the business has been around a while and is not in danger of shutting down before summertime. I have not axed anyone yet. I thought I would try you first. - Lizbeth of Fall River

Dear Lizbeth - (What a charming name!) I do indeed know of a most reputable place of business that does a fine job on the steam cleaning of carpet. It is the Maple Street Laundry, located on the corner of Maple and Linden Streets. Be sure to contact them promptly. Blood stains in the summer heat can really be murder.

Dear Abby - I have trouble with marriage. I young married man. I do good in this country. I do good to wife. I bring home ice cream. All right, sometimes I do see woman who wears blue dress. But nothing happens - I swear to you - I just look. Nuthink else. My wife she hear me tell neighbor I seeing woman in blue dress. She jump all over me. She say she will leave me. Is there nothing that I can do to have her to believe I do nuthink but see? I am sorry. I no read fast. Please to type slow. - Hyman Lubinsky, Fall River

Dear Hyman - The Bible says that if you look at someone who is not your spouse you should pluck your eye out or you will not make it to heaven. However, I have heard that there is a contradictory statement elsewhere to this in the Good Book. I have not been to church in a while because - of important things that have prevented my going. You may ask your priest about this. In the meantime, keep your eyes and mind on your wife.

Dear Abby - I've a problem with a young man. I'm a married woman and at times I go for a wee walk in the mornins. Sometimes I do not feel well. Must be the city air and my longin' for County Cork. When I go for my walks I always see this young man. He drives an ice cream cart and he watches me where I go. I have tried to be nice to him and strike up a conversation, but he's not one for talkin. He says Fridays are Thursdays, and he has asked me on more than one occasion which yard is whose. 'Twas like tryin to talk sense to a banshee. So I gave up on the talkin, thinkin he'd leave me be. But he keeps followin me and I don't for the life of me know why. I am somethin of a big lass, and can take care of myself if I need to. He's about to get a knee to his Lucky Charms. - E. E., Mulberry Street.

Dear E. E. - If he is a delivery man, you are obviously walking his route. Go another way, dear.

Is it getting tougher to make that trip down Memory Lane? Can't remember where you left your partial plate overnight? Don't know if you've been upstairs or downstairs some mornings? Then this book is for you. I am pleased to offer for the first time anywhere a copy of the "J. V. Morse Memory Course". This 20-page booklet will have you remembering not only what you had for breakfast, but considering things that weren't even on the table. You'll soon be able to sing along with the crowd in Ruggles Park to all the verses to "Ta Ra Ra Boom De Ay", not just joining in the choruses. You'll be able to remember exactly what coins are in your pocketbook when you go shopping (and the dates on each one too). Forget that morning dental appointment? No unannounced visitor will throw you off schedule any longer when you read this amazing book. Numbers his specialty, Mr. Morse has a special way of remembering things and he will share it with you for the low, low cost of just $1 cash money. Please send your money in an envelope to him in care of the South Dartmouth post office. Oh, he has just informed me he will soon be doing most of his posting at the Fall River post office, so you had better send it there. Sorry, he forgot.

This edition of Dear Abby has been sponsored by the Eagle Stove Foundry Company of Fall River - your place to go for "Natick" ranges, coal and wood stoves.

April, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby -
The fellows and I hear tell that Sergeant's Dry Goods is going out of business next year. Should we put any stock in that? - Wondering

Dear Wondering -
No - never put stock in a company that is going under. I understand the Troy mills is a pretty sure investment.

Dear Abby -
Why did your husband suddenly call off the investigation of your daylight robbery last summer? Did he know who did it? - Mr. H. Knowlton, New Bedford

Dear Mr. Knowlton -
This story is not true. It simply is not true! And if you persist in spreading tales of our family like this, I shall be forced to speak to Mr. Jennings about it. And besides, my husband has forbidden us to talk about the incident.

Dear Abby -
I went to a fortune teller recently and she gave me some terrible news that frightens me. Are fortune tellers for real, Abby? Or are they fakes? - Scared in Swansea

Dear S.I.S. -
Yes, yes. The old fortune teller game. I am familiar with it. A male relative saw one for amusement not long ago and told him my husband and I would die soon. And here we are! Other "predictions" I've heard have been that some day we will fly like birds in the sky … Men will walk on the moon. Stuff and nonsense.

Dear Abby -
I have recently married a widower with two daughters. Though both are under 14 years of age, they will not call me "Mother". It's always "Mrs. ________." My husband is out of the house on business so often, he has little clout in trying to correct them. How can I get the girls to give me the respect I am due by calling me "Mother"? I Need - Help in Flint Village

Dear HIFV -
Just be grateful that's all they call you.

Dear Abby -
Every time I call for Dr. Seabury Bowen, it takes him over half a day to get to me. I am seriously thinking of switching to another doctor. Please advise. - Patient in Fall River

Dear PIFR -
It's a good thing you are patient. But if you truly wish to change doctors, I can suggest Dr. Handy. He comes over even if you don't want him to.

This installment of "Dear Abby" was sponsored by Tilden - Thurber, Providence, RI. "Shoplifters will be prosecuted - and made to confess to any other crime of our choosing."

March, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby -
My husband is not the best looking man in the city. In fact, he is downright homely. I thought perhaps his looks would improve with age, but such was not the case. I have lost interest in him because of his appearance, though I am still greatly attracted to his personality. I have been thinking about the new plastic surgery doctors are starting to do nowadays to improve one's looks. Would I be playing God, Abby, to try to talk my husband into one of these operations so I can be happier? -Wishful Wife

Dear Wishful -
By all means, see about the surgery if it means that much to you. I've been talking about the same thing to my husband. He could use some alterations around the nose and eye area. He refuses to spend the money. One of these days, I tease him, I will get a doctor to do it when he's asleep! Good luck to you, my dear.

Dear Abby -
My children are served regular portions at meal time, but they usually end up eating only half. The rest gets thrown away under the barn. Should I force them to sit until they are finished? They are not hungry between meals and appear to be in good health. - Mom in Marion

Dear Mom -
Serve them the other half at the next meal. They will never notice the difference. My household knows the value of good food, and it is a trait to instill in young ones. I clean my plate at every meal. Strangely, my step-daughters still say my food goes to waist …

Dear Abby -
Are you in the habit of wearing a dust cap or head covering when you go about your morning chores? I am hiring a new servant girl and wish to know what needs she will have. - Mr. HK, temporarily of the Mellen House.

Dear H K -
I do not use one in the summertime. It is too hot to bother with. When one perspires it causes it to slip and is annoying. A personal choice. You should supply the new girl with two to start off with. (Do not mind my saying so, but generally the wife takes care of this task.)

Dear Abby -
Our family would like to acquire a house pet. Do you have any suggestions as to what kind would be best? We live in a house in town.
- The J's of Fall River

Dear J's -
I heartily recommend a cat. They are good companions, catch your mice, and warm your hands in the winter. I have a beautiful cat named Deliah that I acquired as a kitten. When I had bronchitis a few years ago, she sat on my bed the entire time watching over me. Cats eat very little, and are quite clean animals. If taken care of properly, they can live 20 years. I have had my Deliah for almost five now. I have not seen her in a few days, though. But my step-daughter tells me she can be found in the basement.

Confidential to Seething in Somerset: Tell your husband that he must not be so lazy. Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. Have your wife do it and she will gain upper arm strength.

When the Leftovers are Left Over: My new booklet available this month is full of recipes using leftover leftovers. A crust atop, a few potatoes thrown in, perhaps formed into croquettes and I am telling you they will never know! One dime and your name and address brings you this helpful kitchen "must".

February, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I wish to complain about our city’s policemen going off to a clambake every August, leaving our city virtually unprotected. Why, I hate to think if something should happen in our fair city with all of them gone off like that. Please, Abby, appeal to the city to stop this madness. – Fed Up With Clams

Dear Fed Up,
Our glorious Boys in Blue work hard year-round protecting the citizens of Fall River. They deserve this annual affair. Look around at our virtually crime-free streets. We can thank them for our security by giving them this one day together in celebration of a job well done. I chuckle to think that on the only day our force is out of town a horrendous crime will take place. You should stop your own madness, my dear. You are really out to sea.

Dear Abby,
Can you tell me how Buzzard’s Bay got its name? I have a small wager resting on your answer. – Everett Brown

Dear Everett,
There are two stories connected with the naming of Buzzard’s Bay. One is that a French sea captain in 1619 saw the ospreys (large, beautiful birds), called them “buzzardets” and it was Anglicized to “buzzards”. The second is that British immigrants used the Old World word “buzzard”, which to them meant ‘large hawks’ when they saw the ospreys. There is also my personal theory, which is that it is named for my husband. Every time we are out I usually hear someone refer to him as an ‘old buzzard’, and I believe because of that, coupled with his personal wealth the bay very well could be named for him.

Dear Abby,
I am generally not one to complain, but I am nearly at my wit’s end and I am hoping you can help. I have a brother-in-law who pops over without letting me know ahead of time, expecting to be fed – even when it’s between meal time – and needing to be put up for the night. To top it off, he doesn’t bathe, doesn’t even bring his toothbrush with him. What can I do to stop him? Any ideas at all would be helpful. Thank you, Abby. – Tired of Uncle Phineas

Dear Tired,
Strangely enough, I have the same problem. I have an idea for you. The next time your brother-in-law comes, feed him, yes. But don’t give him anything special. Just warm over whatever you had a day or two, or three, earlier. In the morning send him out on some errand – the post office maybe. And when he comes back, pretend you are dead. He’ll never come back again!Confidential to Millie: I think you are putting on airs to look down upon your friend just because she works in the mills. I have to say – sew what?

And speaking of sewing, my newest booklet is now out. Called “Needlework – the Ins and Outs” can be yours by sending one dime to me, Dear Abby, in care of this publication.

January, 2003, Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I am generally reluctant to tell tales out of school, but a situation has arisen which I feel compelled to write you for your advice. Recently I was spending the night with a close friend and I saw her commit an act which a great deal of persons in our fair city may find of interest. Should I share my observation with others, or should I say nothing and just hope the subject never comes up? I am just burning to speak, but just say the word, Abby, and my –
Lips Are Sealed

Dear Lips Are Sealed,
I think your answer lies in your own letter, dear. You say the person is a ‘close friend’. You must ask yourself would a close friend of yours do something which sounds so sordid? Review the incident in your mind. Maybe there is a chance you are mistaken. Once you bring the incident to light, you could lose your beloved friend. Is it worth so much? As you may know, many a turncoat friend have a tendency to end up shunned, friendless and spending their last days in this town in the Home for the Aged. I advise you to sew your lips shut.

Dear Abby,
If I have occasion to send a telegram to my sister, who will be away in another town, that contains very bad news – a murder, perhaps two – what is the most proper way to word it? One of the persons in the household is old and feeble. – LAB in Fall River

Dear Lab,
If you must telegram your sister, do so but do not tell her the facts as the elderly woman may become disturbed.

Dear Abby,
Our father is an embarrassment. He refuses to add any modern conveniences to our home, though he can highly afford them. He makes a spectacle of himself in his old fashioned clothing and his picking up trash in the street to re-use (broken locks and the like). When people see him they laugh and call him skinflint. How can we change him so that we do not continue to be laughing stocks?
- Sisters on Second Street

Dear Sisters,
I am afraid that there is no changing a man, once reached a certain age, which is probably 5 or 10 years old. You could spread the word that he is actually ‘recycling’, which could gain him some respect for being ahead of his time.

I am extremely fortunate in that my husband is very generous. In fact, he recently bought me a house to prevent my half-sister from being evicted. Oh, his daughters do not know this yet and it is so hard to erase all of these carbons I use. This may not suit them well to learn it first here. Well, I doubt that they read my column anyway and if they do, I’m sure they’ll be just as happy for me as I am.

Hot Off the Press! “365 Ways to Cook Lamb”, by yours truly. And there are – I’ve done it! To be put on a subscriber’s list please send one dime to me in care of this newspaper and include your name and address.

Confidential to HK of New Bedford: I am sorry, Mr. Knowlton, but the paper ran out of room for any more letters this time. I will try to fit one of yours in the next edition, but remember you did have one in the last one. You have sent me several letters and I can only do what I can do. You ask a lot of questions!