Writer's Corner - I Love Lizzie

Writer's Corner
I Love Lizzie by Kathleen Carbone

Writer's Corner

Humor
   I Love Lizzie
   You Know You're a Bordenite When
   Lizzie Jokes
   Fall River Weather Report
   Dear Abby

Fiction
   Welcome to My Room
   This is Maplecroft
   Trevi Fountain
   Thursday's Child

Poetry
   Ballad of Lizzie Borden
   Ode to Fellow Bordenites
   Ladies and Gentlemen
   Lizzie Doggerels
   Mystery of Lizzie Borden

Interviews
   Len Rebello - Author
   Evan Hunter - Author
   William Pavao - Curator
   Rick Geary - Artist/Author
   Victor Mascaro - Webmaster
   Karen Poulsen - Playwright
   Marjorie Conn - Actress

Writer's Bios
   Kathleen Carbone
   Sherry and Marla Chapman
   Eugene Hosey
   Tina-Kate Rouse

THE FRIENDS OF LIZZIE BORDEN SOCIETY ANNOUNCE THEIR 107TH ANNUAL MEETING
PLACE: Bristol County Jailgrounds
TIME: 11:15AM-Midnight
EVENTS:
11:30 AM -- Sitting Room to Barn Rush
11:45AM -- Chair Fainting Contest
12:30 PM -- LUNCH (Plastic Utensils Only)

3 or 4 Cookies
Coffee
6 Day-old Mutton Broth
3 or 4 Pears
Milk (WHICH BOTTLE HAS THE PRUSSIC ACID IN IT??!!)

2PM -- Find the Note from the Sick Friend?
3PM -- Dress Hunt (ASHES IN THE STOVE DO NOT COUNT!)
4PM -- Axe Handle Dusting
5PM -- Mrs. Churchill Calling Contest
6PM -- Winner of the Nance O'Neil Lookalike Contest Announced
6:15 -- OPEN BAR BEGINS
6:30 -- Music, Dancing, Parlor Games ongoing until Emma leaves
8PM -- Fireworks Display
9PM -- Emma Rout
9:30 -- This Year's Lizzie Announced, Champagne Served
10PM-Midnight -- Shunning and Ostracization of Lizzie

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE! (BRING YOUR ATTORNEY!)

I Love Lizzie

New this Fall-TNT presents the madcap happenings at 92 Second Street in this original sitcom, "I Love Lizzie." Each season will offer six episodes leading up to a different scenario and hilarious finale on August 4th.

The season opener ("Bats In The Belfry") airs September 7. It features Lizzie's Chinese Sunday School annual picnic going chop-chop when Lizzie discovers her students buying the "entrees" at the Animal Rescue League!

A stellar cast makes this one of the new seasons best.

"I Love Lizzie" Cast:

Lizzie: Lucille Ball
Andrew Borden: Buddy Ebsen
Abby Borden: Totie Fields
Bridget: Donna Douglas
Emma: Lily Tomlin
Knowlton: Jackie Gleason
Jennings: Foster Brookes
Uncle John Morse: Art Carney
Judge: Wally Cox
Nance O'Neill: Barbara Eden

Excerpt Episode 1:

Andrew: Lizzie, you seen your stepmammy this mornin?
Lizzie: Ahhh, no. I mean yes! No, she had a note from a sick friend!
Andrew (admonishingly): Lizzie
Lizzie: Uuuuugggggghhhhh!
Andrew: Lizzie, you got some 'splainin' to do!

Episode 2 --- "Acid Trip"

The morning before the murders. A small pharmacy downstreet.

Several customers are milling about, the bell above the door jangles and Lizzie enters the shop. Despite the heat, her face is obscured by a black veil.

Young female customer: Why Miss Lizzie Borden! What brings you here today, got fleas again?
Lizzie: Shut up.

From the rear of the shop a young pharmacist (Mr. Bence) appears behind the counter holding a small jar.

Mr. Bence: Alright, who wanted the hemorrhoid ointment?

The customers,including Lizzie, laugh out loud as an uncomfortable looking gentleman makes his way to the counter and sheepishly accepts the jar from Bence.

Bence: Bottoms up!

The customers roar with laughter as the gentleman quickly exits the shop. Lizzie approaches the counter.

Bence: What can I get for you today Miss Borden?
Lizzie, her eyes shifting back and forth hesitates, then takes a note from her oversized bag.
Lizzie (reading from the note): I'd like the latest Harpers Bazaar, some corn pads, a bottle of Castor Oil, some wart remover, 2 cents worth of peppermint candies, 10 cents worth of prussic acid, 2 cents worth of horhound candies, same of butterscotch, and that adorable tortoise shell comb there.
Bence: Whoa, whoa! Lets back up a minute. Did you say prussic acid?
Lizzie (lowering her voice): Yes, 10 cents worth.
Bence: Do you have a prescription for it?
Lizzie: Who in the hell would give me a prescription for that?
Bence: Well, I can't just dole it out to you, its dangerous.
Lizzie: You have before.
Bence: Have not.
Lizzie: Have too.
Bence: Have not.
Lizzie: Have too.
Bence: Have not.
Lizzie: Oh for Christ's sake, just get me the other things on the list?

Bence takes the list from her and begins to fill her order. As his back is turned, Lizzie neatly palms a jar of "Mrs. McGillicuddy's Wrinkle Wremover (It Really Works!!)" from the counter into her bag. Bence returns with her things and hands them over.

Bence: On your father's account?
Lizzie (eying him coldly):Yes please.
Bence: Thank you Miss Borden, by the way what did you want the prussic acid for?
Lizzie: Why to poison my fat stepmother with of course.

Bence bursts out laughing as Lizzie turns to leave, but at the door she turns back to him.

Lizzie: Do you sell "Rough On Rats"?
Bence (his smile fading): No Miss Borden, I'm sorry.
Lizzie (turning away): Shit!

Bence turns back to his stock, but an earsplitting crash makes him jump. The door to the shop is slamming shut, and an entire display of "Dr.Johns' Cough Syrup" has been knocked to the floor.

Episode 3 --- "Fiddy Whack"

Exterior 92 Second Street August 4
A crowd has gathered around the house including Alice Russell and Adelaide Churchill. The two friends stand near the side of the house, eating pears from the Borden yard and whispering.

Alice: I still can't believe it! Look at my hands girl, they shakin like a leaf.
Adelaide: Who you tellin! I was the one walked in and found him! Whooooo! My Jesus, I'll never forget that face---his eyeball too, Jesus!
Alice: And Abby bent all over like that in a pool of blood.
Adelaide: Sweet Jesus!
Alice: I knew somethin was wrong with that woman last night! She talkin crazy like a fox.
Adelaide: Who, Abby?
Alice: Tsssssssk! No, Lizzie Borden! She came over last night after meeting and went off girl. Talkin crazy!

Emma Borden, who has rushed home after a telegram, now appears at the side back door escorted by Reverand Jubb (Al Sharpton) She is holding her Bible aloft and wailing.

Emma: Oh Lord! My SWEET Lord! My ONLY Lord! Galllorrify! Galllorify! Testify! Take them to GLORY Lord! Glory!
Rev. Jubb: Come on Miss Emma now. You gonna spend the night with us.
Emma: Yes Lord! Yes Lord! Yes Lord! They gone to glory Lord!
Alice (whispering): Gurrrl, that whole family whack!
Adelaide: Mmmmmm

Excerpt Episode 4 --- "Me N Brownie"

Interior Bristol County Courthouse.

Bailiff: The court calls Thomas Barlow!

A boy of about ten (played by Alfalfa) strides importantly toward the bench and is sworn in. Sitting in the witness chair, his feet do not reach the ground. He crosses his ankles, revealing two different colored socks. A big cowlick rises from the back of his head.

Judge: Your witness Mr Jennings.

Jennings hastily closes a copy of National Geographic, but not before Lizzie catches sight of the photographs of half nude native women he has been ogling.

Lizzie: Tsk! You swine!
Jennings: Where were you on the morning of August 4, young man?
Barlow: Me n Brownie were out front of the Borden's house.
Jennings: Brownie?
Knowlton (dozing): Yes, brownies. Thick, chewy, chocolaty brownies!
Barlow: Yeah Brownie, there.

He points to an even younger boy seated near the front (played by Spanky) who wears a propeller hat and is holding in his lap a small Jack Russell terrier. A black circle has been painted around one of the dogs eyes for some reason, which makes him seem to be wearing a monocle. A cute dark haired girl of about ten sits next to him, smiling at Barlow.

Barlow: Me n Brownie snuck past the man at the gate and went to the barn.
Jennings: Was it hot in the barn then?
Barlow: No, it was nice and cool up there.
Jennings: Was it dusty?
Barlow: A little, not too much. (hiccup)

As he hiccups again, a large soap bubble floats from his mouth. The entire courtroom gapes.

Barlow: Hiccup! (Another huge bubble emerges from his mouth)
Judge: Are you allright, son?
Barlow: Hiccup! Yes sir. My girlfriend Darla baked us a cake this morning, and I think there was soap flakes in the frosting. (hiccup)
Darla (sitting next to Brownie): There was not soap flakes! Thomas Barlow I'll never speak to you as long as I live! (She grandly vacates the courtroom)
Barlow: But Darla! I'm under oath! Darla!!

The Jack Russell has become excited over the shouted exchange and wriggles free from Brownie's grasp.

Judge: Proceed Mr Jennings.
Jennings (approaching Barlow as the dog flies at his ankles): Oh you little bastard! Get!

He kicks at the dog, who easily evades his shoes and continues to snap at his ankles. Lizzie, shocked as Jennings continues to try and kick the dog, raises her umbrella and strikes Jennings about the head and shoulders.

Lizzie: How dare you (whack!) Try to harm a poor (Whack!) defenseless (Whack!) animal (Whack) !!
Jennings, attacked on all sides now, flees the courtroom.
Jennings (fleeing): No further questions!!!

Lizzie takes her seat at the judges warning, and the dog leaps into her lap. She strokes it, and murmurs fondly to it.

Lizzie: There, there, poor thing. How would you like to come and visit Maplecroft?

The dog licks her hand in reply, obviously charmed at the idea.

Episode 5 --- "The Egg And I"

INTERIOR Fall River Police Station Matron's Room
Lizzie lies on the cot, the room is literally filled with flowers and chocolates. Attending her today are Emma, and two female admirers, Mrs. Brigham and Alice Russell. In the adjoining bathroom Matron Hannah Reagan is washing up.

Lizzie (curling up around a box of Godiva chocolates): Mmmm, these soft centered ones are DIVINE!
Alice Russell (sitting near her on the cot): Who sent you those Lizzie? Godiva, not bad.
Lizzie(taking the note from the box and reading it): "Best wishes, Nance O'Neil. Who the hell is Nance O'Neil?
Mrs. Brigham: Nance O'Neil? The actress? Let me see that! (She takes the card from Lizzie and reads it.) I'll be damned.
Lizzie: Who the hell is Nance O'Neil?
Mrs. Brigham: Only the most promising new actress on Broadway! I can't believe you've never heard of her.
Lizzie: Yeah well, I haven't had much time on my social calendar to get out to a Broadway show lately. You know? My dance card's FULL right now. What does she look like, Nance O'Neil? Give me that note back.
Mrs Brigham: Oh she's lovely Lizzie! Tall and blonde, the most beautiful eyes!

Lizzie sucks on a chocolate, her eyes narrowing as Mrs Brigham describes Nance.

Emma (covertly taking a chocolate from the Godiva box): Actress! An ungodly profession!
Mrs Brigham: Oh and the voice on her! Like an angel she is. (sigh)
Lizzie: I must look her up one day. Yes, thank her when I get out of this.
Mrs Reagan (from the bathroom): What makes you think you're ever gonna get out of this, Lady Muck?
Lizzie: Put a sock in it Mammy. When I want something, I MAKE it happen!
Reagan: I know something even Lady Muck can't make a go of.
Lizzie: Yeah, what?
Mrs. Reagan (coming out of the bathroom with her bucket): I'll bet you can't crack an egg open with one hand.
Lizzie: Pssssshhht. Give me a break!
Mrs Reagan (puts down the bucket and heads off to the kitchen): We'll see.

She returns with a carton of eggs and places them on a small table near Lizzie's cot. The others gather round and Lizzie sits up.

Mrs Reagan: I'll bet you that box of Godiva chocolates that you can't hold this egg in one hand and crack it open without spilling a drop.
Lizzie slants her eyes at Reagan and takes an egg from the carton.
Lizzie: You mean . . .
Mrs Reagan: Open it so that you could cook with it, with one hand, not cracking it against anything or spilling a drop.

Lizzie holds the egg gingerly and tries to gently crack it and turn it up before it spills. She fails, the egg drips to the floor. The others laugh and Alice Russell brings Lizzie a damp cloth for her hands

Lizzie: Well, that's the first time I ever lost a bet. Lets see you do it.

Mrs Reagan takes another egg and holds it gently. Then with one sharp hardened fingernail she deftly pokes a hole in the top. It is clear that the egg can be poured from the hole neatly. The guests applaud her efforts.

Alice Russell: That was very clever Hannah! Lizzie! Give her the chocolates!

Lizzie reluctantly hands over the Godiva box, making sure that she has taken Nance's note and the envelope out first.

Lizzie: Yes, very clever Hannah. Mind if I try it again?
Mrs Reagan (cramming three chocolates into her mouth): No, go ahead!

Lizzie smiles and takes up the entire carton of remaining eggs and dashes it against the wall.

Lizzie: How was that?

Episode 6 --- "Trial And Errors"

Bailiff: The court calls Adelaide Churchill
Mrs .Churchill is sworn in and takes the stand.
Knowlton(wiping spaghetti sauce from his forehead): Where were you on the morning of August 4?
Churchill: I went food shopping
Knowlton: Where?
Churchill: To the butcher shop
Knowlton: I believe they had steak tips on sale that day?
Churchill: That's right, I bought three pounds.
Knowlton: The marinated ones?
Churchill: Yes
Knowlton: Teriyaki or Italian?
Churchill: Teri- (She is interrupted by Jennings who rises, and yells.)
Jennings: If it please the court, some of us would like to get ON with our lives!
Judge: Mr Knowlton you will confine your questions to the-
Knowlton: Yes yes. Now Mrs. Churchill. On the morning of August 4, did you at any time have any kind of intercourse with the defendant?
Churchill: I beg your pardon?

Lizzie gasps.

Lizzie(whispering to Jennings): How the hell did he find that out? We were drunk...
Jennings: SSHHHH
Knowlton: Did the defendant speak to you?
Churchill: Yes, she asked me to come over.
Knowlton: What exactly did she say?
Churchill: She said, "Mrs. Churchill do come over. Someone has offed Father"
Knowlton: "Offed"?
Churchill: Yes, you know, eighty-sixed.

Knowlton raises his eyebrows, still unsure.

Churchill: She told me that someone had come into the house and cooled her father...You know ICED him! I don't know how I can make it plainer-somebody whacked him!!
Knowlton: You mean killed Mr Borden?
Churchill: YES! Jesus, am I speaking English?
Lizzie(whispering to Jennings): We were drunk.How the hell did he find out about us!?
Jennings: Shut up and swoon, I remembered the smelling salts.

Episode 7 --- "Trial And Errors"

Knowlton (to Lizzie): Now exactly when was the last time your Uncle John visited 92 Second Street?
Lizzie: It was that winter the river froze over.
Jennings(waking up and getting to his feet): Yes! When the river froze my client was ice-fishing Sirs! She brought home ninety pounds and almost drowned cooking it.

(Laughter from jury box and spectators)

Knowlton: Will you SHUT UP!!!
Lizzie(crying): Waaaaaaaah!

Jennings rushes to her, crashing into the corner of the defense table sending books and files flying. More laughter from the jurors. Jennings hands Lizzie a handkerchief and she blows her nose uproariously. Knowlton paces wiping his brow. Lizzie continues to blow her nose until he cracks.

Knowlton: Will You CUT THAT OUT!!!
Lizzie: Waaaaah!

Episode 9 --- "Jah No Dead"

Interior Bristol County Courthouse.
It is hot mid-summer and the courtroom is filled to capacity. Prosecutor Knowlton is preparing his papers when the bailiff rises.

Bailiff: The court calls Livingston Weekes.

There is a collective gasp as a six foot tall Rastafarian with long flowing dreads and wearing a green and yellow striped suit approaches the stand. He is barefoot.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Weekes: Jah no dead.
Bailiff: Sir?
Weekes: Jah man, Jah no dead. Me swear.

He takes the stand and waits. Nothing happens. From the defense table arise audible snores from Attorney Jennings.

Judge: Your witness Mr. Jennings.

Jennings is leaning back in his chair against the railing, and his mouth drops open making his snores
ear-splitting. Lizzie sitting next to him, shakes her head back and forth and rolls her eyes heavenward. The reporters note this sympathetically.

Judge: Council Jennings?
Jennings: Now Miss Langtry, you know I'm a married man
Judge: COUNCIL JENNINGS!!

Jennings snaps awake, his chair falling forward with a crack. He rises and approaches the witness. There is one small step leading up to the stand which Jennings neglects and he trips forward grandly. The entire courtroom, except for Lizzie, breaks up.

Jennings: Jesus!
Lizzie (sneering): tsk.
Judge: Everybody shut up!
Jennings (To the witness): Good day Mr. Weekes, what is your profession?
Weekes: Ice cream.
Jennings: You sell ice cream sir?
Weekes: Well me no eat it for a living. Yah, me sell ice cream.
Jennings: How do you sell it?
Weekes: From da back me truck
Jennings: You carry it on your truck through the streets?
Weekes: Yah man
Jennings: On the morning of August 4, were you selling?
Weekes: Me selling ICE CREAM only man. Yah, it were hot that day. Hot like home! I were selling ma ice cream.
Jennings: At around eleven that morning, where were you soliciting?
Weekes: Me no soliciting shit man! Me selling ice cream! How many times me say it?
Jennings: I'm sorry Mr. Weekes. Let me re-phrase that.
Weekes: Shit!
Jennings: At eleven o'clock on the morning of August 4, where were you selling your ice cream?
Weekes: Me doing First and Second Street man
Jennings: Busy?
Weekes: Oh yeah man, it hot like home. Hot like home! I ring de bell day come. Me make a nice curry ice cream too.
Jennings: Are you familiar with number 92 Second Street?
Weekes: Yah man. De fat lady, she me best customer.
Jennings: You mean Mrs. Borden?
Weekes (smiling fondly): Yah Mrs Borden man. She buy me whole cart one time! She de best customer.
Jennings: So on the morning of August 4 you expected to see her?
Weekes: Yah me waited out front de house a few minutes.
Jennings: Did you see anybody in the yard?
Weekes(smiling toward the defense table): Me see de daughtah.

Lizzie smiles back at him.

Jennings: Do you mean you saw the defendant there?
Weekes: Me see Miss Lizzie in de yard.
Jennings: As near as you can tell, what time was that?
Weekes: I an I just hear de churchbell chime eleven when she come out
Jennings: Coming from where?
Weekes: Me tink she come from de barn.
Jennings: What did she do in the yard then?
Weekes: She eatin a peer man.
Jennings: A peer?
Weekes: Yah man, a peer from de peer tree.
Jennings: Did she seem upset? In a hurry? In any distress at all?
Weekes: No man, she lookin nice.

Lizzie blushes and smiles at him.

Jennings: Did she speak to you?
Weekes: No man, Miss Lizzie no buy nah ice cream ever. Dat how she keep so nice.

Lizzie winks at him.

Jennings: No further questions.

He is very pleased, and returns to the defense table again forgetting the step. This time he trips down it. Again the courtroom cracks up, except for Lizzie.

Lizzie (hissing): Idiot!
Jennings: Jesus!
Judge: Everybody shut up! Thank you Mr Weekes.
Judge: Mr Knowlton, your witness.

Knowlton is caught with an Italian sausage and pepper sandwich in his teeth and quickly deposits the thing into a drawer.

Knowlton: Nnfff kwrrrsss (swallows) your honor.
Judge: What?

Lizzie snickers.

Knowlton: No questions your honor.

Episode 10 --- "Bananas In Court"

Bailiff: The Court calls Mrs. Hanna Reagan.
There is no answer.
Bailiff (Louder): The Court calls MRS. HANNAH REAGAN!

There is shuffling from the rear of the courtroom and a middle-aged woman in a blue matron's uniform approaches the bench. She is holding an ear trumpet to the side of her head.

Mrs Reagan: Someone wants a banana sandwich?
Bailiff: Hannah Reagan!
Mrs. Reagan: Yes! Why don't you speak up for God's sake? What the hell kind of town crier are you?? Talking about bananas in a court of law!

Lizzie snaps her fan open and is trying not to laugh behind it. Jennings covers his eyes, and lets out a loud snort of laughter each time he peeks up at the witness. With some difficulty, during which the bailiff is hit on the cheek with the ear trumpet, Mrs Reagan is sworn in.

Knowlton (sliding his desk drawer shut on a slice of pepperoni pizza, and writing on his notepad): Must remember to try banana sandwiches-mmm.
He approaches the stand.
Knowlton: Good morning Mrs. Reagan, would you please state your profession?
Reagan: My what?
Knowlton: Your PROFESSION! What do you DO for a living?
Reagan: You don't have to yell sir. I'm a matron for the Fall River Police Department.
Knowlton; I'm sorry Mrs. Reagan.
Reagan: What?

Lizzie and Jennings, and most of the spectators and jury, are cracking up.

Judge: Everybody shut up!
Reagan: I beg your pardon sir?
Knowlton: Now Mrs Reagan, was the defendant in your care at the Fall River Jail last year?
Reagan: Who? Miss Lizzie Borden was, yes. A great pain in my ass she was too!My cooking wasn't good enough for Lady Muck!

Lizzie and Jennings are in hysterics now, she holding the fan before her face, Jennings guffawing behind a large open law book.

Judge: Council Jennings, I am warning you and your client!
Jennings: I beg your pardon your honor.
Knowlton: Mrs. Reagan, did Emma Borden visit the jail while the defendant was in custody?
Reagan (adjusting the ear trumpet): Come again?

From now on Knowlton addresses the witness in a loud voice. He repeats the question.

Reagan: Emma Borden, yes a lovely woman. Hard to believe she and Lady Muck were related! My cooking wasn't good enough! Oh no! Three meals a day from the hotel it was for Lady Muck! And flowers too!! Flowers sent to someone in a bloody jail! Why not just give her a damned medal? Or The Nobel Prize!!?

A loud snort, quickly muffled, comes from the defense table. The judge eyes Jennings warningly. Knowlton decides to simply overlook the witness' outburst in hopes of discouraging any further ones.

Knowlton: Do you recall any conversations overheard between the sisters?
Reagan: Oh yes! Quite chummy they were most of the time. Except that one time when they had cross words. No one ever dare say no to Lady Muck. Three meals a day from the hotel it was for her! And excursions all around the grounds every morning!!! My cooking wasn't good enough!

Lizzie's eyes are clenched shut and she is biting her lip trying not to laugh.

Knowlton (interrupting): Now Mrs. Reagan, what happened that one time they had cross words?
Reagan: Well Miss Emma came in that morning, and I was in the next cell. Could hear them as well as I hear you, sir. Miss Emma hadn't been there for five minutes when I heard Lizzie Borden say to her, "We are screwed Emma, you have really screwed me this time."
Knowlton: No further questions Your Honor.
Judge: Mr Jennings, your witness.
Jennings (shouting): Mrs Reagan, when the sisters had that conversation, were they shouting?
Reagan: Of course not, they were speaking normally like we are now.
Jennings (still shouting): And how far away were you from them?
Reagan: About from here to that railing.

Jennings steps back to the railing and speaks in a normal tone of voice.

Jennings: Ma'am, who is the president of the United States?

Mrs. Reagan adjusts her ear trumpet and seems to be considering her answer. Jennings repeats the question in the normal speaking decibel.

Jennings: Who is the president of the United States?
Reagan: Mrs. Hannah Reagan, sir.
Jennings: Thank you. No further questions.

He returns to the defense table as Mrs Reagan is dismissed. For once Lizzie seems pleased with him.

Jennings (to Lizzie): Nothing wrong with that then, Lady Muck?
They both suppress snorts of laughter.
Mrs Reagan (passing them): Hmmph, see if you're still laughing when you're dangling from the end of a rope Miss Lizzie Borden.
Jennings: Shut up, you arthritic van Gogh! By the way when were you elected, Mr. President?
Judge: Shut up everybody!!

Episode 11 --- "Judgment Day"

Interior Bristol County Courthouse. The last day of the trial.
District Attorney Knowlton is conducting his statement to the jury.

Knowlton: So. We have a rich woman here. A very rich woman. An extremely rich woman. A woman so rich she can probably buy and sell every one of you four or five times over!
Jennings: Objection!
Judge: Sustained.
Knowlton: She's rich, she's waiting for her inheritance with baited breath. Her miserly father and fat-ass stepmother will not die. How much longer before she can buy that new house on the hill, or the trip to Paris?
Lizzie (rolling her eyes): TSK! Jesus!
Knowlton: They have the audacity to go on living, depriving her of her money! So when it becomes clear that they are not going to die in this year or the next, what does she do?

Knowlton slams his hand onto the prosecution table, startling the jurors who flinch at the resounding report.

Knowlton: WHACK! She whacks them! Both!

He slams his open hand again and again onto the table.

Knowlton: WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Judge: Mr. Knowlton!
Knowlton (collecting himself): Yes your honor. Gentlemen, this defendant is SO guilty I can't even tell you. Look at her.

All eyes go to Lizzie who sneers at Knowlton.

Knowlton: Have you ever seen anybody so rich? Why is she so rich?

He slams his hand onto the table again, the jury flinches again.

Knowlton: WHACK! That's why. Thank you gentlemen.

He sits, wiping the perspiration from his brow. It is now time for the judges' instructions to the jury. The entire courtroom leans forward intently.

Judge: Gentlemen of the jury. Lizzie didn't do it! Now go deliberate.

The jury rises and the bailiff proceeds with them to the deliberation room carrying evidence including the skulls of the victims and the handel-less hatchet. At the door the foreman stops the bailiff.

Foreman: Oh, I don't think we want any of that stuff in here son, do we?

The other jurors peer at the box and it's gory contents, shuddering.

Foreman: I don't think so, that stuff gives me the willies.
Bailiff: You don't want to examine the evidence?
Foreman: Jeesh, no.
Bailiff: Well, is there anything I can get you?
Foreman: Yes, we'd like two Scrabble games please, and a deck of cards.

Episode 12 --- "Judge Dewey"

Interior Bristol County Courtroom. The room is filled to capacity, it is stifling, but not a sound can be heard as everyone awaits the appearance of the three justices. Finally the doorway to the chambers is opened, and all three justices attempt to pass through it at once. They become jammed in the doorway. There is a loud crack! As Dewey, in the center, simultaneously punches the two others in the nose.

Judge Dewey: Spread out!!

They manage to disentangle themselves, and take their seats at the bench

Judge Dewey: Gentlemen Of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Judge Louie: A verdict?
Judge Huey: A verdict?
Foreman: A what?
Judge Dewey: A VERDICT!! Is she guilty or not guilty?
Judge Louie: A VERDICT!! Is she guilty or not?
Judge Huey: A VERDICT!! Guilty or not?
Foreman: Is who guilty or not guilty?
Judge Dewey (exasperated): LIZZIE ANDREW BORDEN!!
Huey: LIZZIE ANDREW BORDEN!!
Louie: LIZZIE BORDEN!!

Lizzie starts and Jennings snaps awake.

Foreman: OH! You mean the lady in the front everyone’s always staring at? Drawing pictures of? With the nice clothes, and the little handbag? (Whispering back to the other jurors): She’s the one on trial? Shit, I thought it was that old douchebag behind her.
Juror (stage whispering back): That’s Reverand Jubb’s wife, you asshole!
Foreman: (Addressing the judges): Not guilty, your Honors!

A roar goes up from the courtroom, Jennings leaps into the air, and Lizzie leans forward covering her face with her hands. Her shoulders heave with sobs.

Jennings: Hot shit! Hot shit! Where’s a drink! Lizzie! Lets have a drink!

Knowlton, who has been cutting coupons out of a newspaper, quickly pockets them and departs the courtroom, leaving the paper on his desk. Lizzie continues to sob, and the court reporters swarm her.

Reporter: Miss Borden! Miss Borden, a word please!

Lizzie finally looks up, and spots Knowlton’s discarded newspaper. She has stopped crying instantly and her face is suddenly quite alert, her eyes clear and focussed. She smiles and takes up the newspaper.

Lizzie: Thank you very much. Now where’s the real estate section in this rag?

Excerpt Episode 13 ---
"Nance Schmantz"

Interior Boston's Colonial Theater. Full auditorium.
Just as the houselights dim, a very well dressed woman is shown to a seat near the front. She is alone. As she excuses herself past the seated patrons, one of them, a young man, speaks to his companion.

Young man: Have you seen this Nance O'Neil before?
Friend: Yes. She's a tad saccharine and she sings off-key, but great tits!

He lets out a howl of pain as the well dressed woman being seated has stepped directly onto his instep. She continues past him, smiling politely and excusing herself until she takes her seat. It is Lizzie of course. Oblivious to the man's cries and curses she unfolds her program and examines it with a mild expression.
The orchestra has begun the overture. The houselights are extinguished and the heavy red curtain rises on a single dramatically lit figure. Nance is stunning in a daring low cut blue sequined gown.

Lizzie is mesmerized, and watches as Nance re-enacts some of her Shakespearian triumphs (the soliloquy from Macbeth, during which she burps audibly and excuses herself before continuing, and Ophelia's mad scene, done flawlessly) She then recites several recipes from McCalls, a limerick about a couple named Kelly, and finishes with a song she has composed herself. She looks pointedly to Lizzie as she sings.

Nance (singing):
If you ever whack your mum, I'm your chum
If you ever cool your Dad, I'll be glad.
If you ever go to jail, I'll bring bail
Its Friendship! Friendship!
Got the perfect blendship
When other friendships go to pot
Ours will still be. . hot

The crowd applauds heartily, quieting only when the lights narrow to a pulsing red and the closing number begins.

Nance (singing):
The minute you walked in the room,
I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender

She belts out the rest of the song with practiced Broadway zeal, wowing the audience into a frenzy. At each repetition of the chorus, she stops and turns directly to Lizzie. At the finale, she removes one long black glove (the crowd screams) and tosses it into Lizzie's lap singing,

Nance: Hey big spender!
SPPPEEENNNND
A Little time with me?

The crowd roars as the curtain rings down. Lizzie feels faint, and produces an ornate fan which she flutters in front of her red, blushing face. An usher comes to her side and hands her a note.

Usher: From Miss O'Neil, Miss Borden
Lizzie: Thank you.

Lizzie reads the note, continuing to fan herself, then turns to the usher who is still standing near her.

Lizzie: Miss O'Neil has asked to see me in her d-d-d-dressing room. Can you show me where it is?
Usher(leering): Absolutely Miss Borden! Right this way, Miss O'Neil is very popular with the female patrons.Very popular!

Lizzie has recovered her poise and stands, handing the usher a five dollar bill.

Lizzie: Here, now shut your cake-hole.

Episode 14 --- "A Declaration"

Exterior Claridge's Hotel in Providence.
It is snowing, near Christmas time and the front of the hotel is gaily decorated with balsam and colored lights. A uniformed doorman is kept busy as hotel guests and visitors to the restaurant are coming and going with packages. A handsome carriage pulls up out front and two women emerge. One is tall and blond, strikingly beautiful; her tawny tresses hanging daringly loose about her shoulders. The other wears a fashionable fur hat and coat and is shorter and a little stouter. The doorman opens up for them with a flourish. They are escorted to exclusive seats in the small but very chic hotel restaurant.

Nance: Oh this is lovely Lizzie!

A waiter brings ice water and a basket of warm bread which Nance falls upon.

Nance: This bread is heavenly! Heavenly!
Waiter: Something to drink, Ladies?
Lizzie: I'll have a small glass of Beaujolais
Nance: Double scotch rocks
Waiter: Very good.

Lizzie looks about at the delicate decorations and out the window at the snow as Nance continues to gorge on the bread.

Nance: Waiter! More bread here please.
Lizzie: My God Nan, slow down!
Nance: You know what I've had for breakfast, lunch and dinner all week? Popcorn. I'm still pulling it out of my teeth.
Lizzie(shocked): Why didn't you tell me!? No wonder you look so pale!
Nance: Oh well, it does wonders for my Ophelia I really was half out of it onstage. The critics thought I was drunk.
Lizzie: Nan you mustn't starve
Nance: Not much choice with the reviews I got last week. Did you see the Times? Jesus! We couldn't give tickets away.
Lizzie: Never mind that and order yourself a big steak.

Nance smiles at her gratefully through another mouthful of bread. A small bar is situated just beyond the restaurant. It is crowded with men smoking and drinking, and a stout bearded fellow sits alone. He is frequently compelled to peer into the restaurant at the two women dining near the window.

Bartender: Mr. Knowlton?
Knowlton: Please, double Jack rocks.

He continues drinking and covertly espying Nance and Lizzie until they finish their lavish meal and make ready to leave. Outside the restaurant Nance is signaling the driver from the curb. Lizzie waits near the door.
Knowlton blusters out, shoving past the doorman and slipping on the snowy sidewalk. Lizzie sniffs, clicking her tongue at the drunk who has fallen down behind her. She turns away in disgust.

Knowlton: Miss Borden! Just a minute please!

She turns and faces her former antagonist and gasps. For a moment she wonders if she is under arrest once more.

Knowlton: Miss Borden, may I have a word please?

Lizzie is still too surprised to answer and Knowlton lurches forward.

Knowlton (slurring): Miss Borden I just wanted to say no hard feelings. I mean I hope not; may I call you Lizzie?

Lizzie recoils but he continues, oblivious.

Knowlton: I mean that's all in the past, you know? And if the judge happens to be your attorney's baby, psshhhht. What can we do? Who is your friend there?
Lizzie: Knowlton! You're shitfaced!
Knowlton: NAAHH! Its Christmas! Who is your friend, may we be introduced?

He blearily eyes Nance who is still at the curb awaiting their driver

Knowlton: Maybe we could all have a drink together?

Nance approaches now and eyes Knowlton dubiously. She is nearly as tall as he, carries a heavy umbrella, and has had several drinks herself.

Nance: Who's this? He giving you a hard time?

Knowlton starts to introduce himself, but Lizzie whisks Nance away toward their carriage at the curb.

Knowlton: We could all go for a drink! Miss Borden! Please, a word!

Lizzie shoves Nance up into the carriage

Nance: Wooo! What gives? Who was that guy?
Lizzie(to the driver): Move it! (to Nance): Him? Nobody-some jerk who was at the trial and never got over it.
Nance: Looks pretty faced to me, I was getting ready to introduce him to my umbrella. Oh look, Tilden Thurber is open late for the holidays! Lets stop in!
Lizzie: NO!
Nance: I thought you liked that place.
Lizzie: Well I hate it now.
Nance: Suit yourself.

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Page updated 5 February, 2007