Writer's Corner - Lizzie Borden Jokes

If Lizzie did admit to guilt, what would her excuse be?
It was an axeident.

What was Lizzie's winning poker hand?
Three pears.

Describe that last haircut Lizzie gave to Andrew.
It was a real hack job.

Who would Lizzie's favorite comedian be today?
Buddy Hackett.

How did Lizzie correspond with her cousin in Marion?
By faxe.

What did Lizzie give to her Chinese Sunday school students to eat with at the church picnic?
Chopsticks.

Why did they throw Andrew's newspaper away when they found his body?
It was all red (read).

What was Andrew's favorite candy?
Gushers.

What did Lizzie's Magic 8 Ball say when she questioned it about killing her parents?
Axe again later.

Why was Lizzie let go from the Fall River baseball team?
She stole third base.

Why did Andrew's money hate him?
He pinched his pennies.

What was Lizzie's favorite soft drink?
Slice.

What comment did Lizzie's teacher write on her report card?
She was pretty sharp.

Who would Lizzie's favorite 1950s singer be?
Leslie Gore.

Why was Lizzie thought to be very strong?
She was a shop lifter.

What did Lizzie do when she got lost on the streets?
Axed for directions.

What would Lizzie's favorite football team be today?
The Pittsburgh Stealers.

Why couldn't Lizzie get a job that started before noon?
She didn't do mournings.

"Lizzie Borden Jokes" was originally published on page 9 of the January, 1999 issue of The Lizzie Borden Quarterly, © 1999. Article reproduced courtesy of the Lizzie Borden Quarterly, Maynard F. Bertolet, editor.