Writer's Corner
You Know You're Really a Bordenite When
. . . . by Sherry Chapman

(Editor's note from the Lizzie Borden Quarterly: On page 9 of the January, 1999 Lizzie Borden Quarterly, we published a column entitled "Lizzie Borden Jokes," written by Mrs. Chapman along with her daughter, Maria Chapman. They were wry, witty question-and-answer jokes, that really, only Lizzie Borden intimates could fully appreciate. Here she is again, this time flying solo, with a selection of one-sentence statements that, to use Mrs. Chapman's term, only a 'Bordenite' would fully understand. Also, I must hasten to add, they are not merely surface statements, rather, all require a modicum of thought ... You may also be interested to know that there has already been a request for permission to print them elsewhere, even before their first publication here ...)

  Writer's Corner

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   You Know You're a Bordenite When
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Writer's Bios
   Kathleen Carbone
   Sherry and Marla Chapman
   Eugene Hosey
   Tina-Kate Rouse

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A BORDENITE WHEN . . .

You do not eat mutton in any shape, form or manner.

You sing You Can't Chop Your Poppa up in Massachusetts as you go about your daily chores.

You like to have your picture taken, but can't seem to find many of yourself.

You say "axe" for "ask".

You try to help out the tour guide of the B & B, whether she wants you to or not.

It's been 109 years and the murderer still hasn't been found, but you keep buying books and research materials thinking you will be the one to find the solution.

You can eat four pears in 20 minutes.

You can go in a hot, filthy barn loft and leave no footprints.

You know that "Me and Brownie" isn't a book about a boy and his dog.

You go to get a dress altered, but take in the wrong one.

You have stood on the front stairway in the B & B to see if you could have seen Abby's body from the stairs.

You shelled out the publisher's price for the Knowlton Papers, and consider yourself lucky.

You watch The Legend of Lizzie Borden just to track the errors.

You've tried to do the "egg thing" that Hannah Reagan bet Lizzie she couldn't do.

You've put a coat on backwards and tried to swing an axe at the same time, telling yourself you're doing an important scientific historical test, especially if someone comes in at the time.

You've gone to the Fall River Historical Society just because of the Lizzie exhibit.

You recognized Michael Martins from his TV appearances.

You refuse to sharpen and use the pencil you bought at the souvenir shop with Lizzie's facsimile signature.

When visiting the Borden graves, you know who all the headstones stand for.

You start referring to food poisoning as "summer complaint."

You're still looking for the Fruit & Flower Mission in your town so you can volunteer.

You find yourself starting an old broken-lock collection.

You don't talk to your uncle if he comes over to visit.

You buy every book on Lizzie Borden you can find, whether you think you'll like it or not, disregarding inflated prices.

You never lend your Lizzie books.

You feel a twinge of excitement every August 4, especially as 11:00 rolls around.

Most of your wardrobe is blue.

You are putting pressure on Parker Brothers to do a Lizzie Borden version of "Clue."

You think your father will be 70 next month, even if he's deceased.

You put rosewater on your mince pies.

You put a request in to all the local video stores to find you a Nance O'Neil film.

Whenever you talk about your trip to Europe, you refer to it as The Grand Tour.

The B & B is the only one you'd stay at and not sleep all night.

You've made your significant other get in the closet at the B & B to see if a person can hide in there.

You don't get a divorce because you're afraid your spouse will get custody of your Borden books.

You are tired of the Lizzie Borden Took an Axe poem.

Once you get to the city of Fall River, you can find the historical museum without asking directions.

You're on a first name basis with at least five Borden historians.

You wish you were on a first name basis with at least five Borden historians.

You've understood everything on this list.

"You Know You Are Really a Bordenite When . . ." was originally published on page 8 of the October, 2001 issue of The Lizzie Borden Quarterly, © 2001. Article reproduced courtesy of the "Lizzie Borden Quarterly," Maynard F. Bertolet, editor