"A Surprising Race to Courtesy!"-- Appreciating a

ddnoe · Post by **ddnoe** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 4:09 pm

A Surprising Race To Courtesy!
By Denise Noe |
In a previous essay I wrote about a small talk acquaintanceship with a man I called “Mike.” The previous essay can be accessed at http://mensnewsdaily.com/2008/11/03/sex ... ike”-and-i
I incorrectly described Mike as a construction worker in that column. He actually worked in the office of a construction firm. I made the mistake because I had seen him wearing a hardhat on a couple of occasions when he was looking over what was being done at a construction site.
Anyway, the two of us usually saw each other when we frequented a neighborhood convenience store.
I was on my way to the convenience store one bright morning when I spotted Mike off to the side of me on his way to it as well. He was running.
What is he running for? I wondered.
It wasn’t long before I found out. Mike got to the store just before I did. He opened the door and held it open while I walked through it.
“Thank you, Mike!” I exclaimed in delight. “You are a real gentleman.”
This surprising act of courtesy got my day off to a good start.
It also led me to ponder, as I have in previous columns, the meaning of the sorts of courtesies that men perform for women. As others have pointed out, their very existence tends to negate the perception that we live in a man’s world or patriarchy, in which the female sex is completely subservient to the male sex. One can hardly imagine a master rushing to open a door for a slave, a Brahmin running to perform such a service for an untouchable, or a wealthy person racing to do this for an impoverished individual.
Why are men taught to open doors for women? Journalist Adela Rogers St. John said, “They should open the doors for us because they’re stronger and it’s easier for them to do it.” This is true but the difference here is trivial. I open that door myself every day and so do other women.
However, I do believe that teaching men to perform special courtesies for women is related to the physical strength differences between the genders. It is a way of slipping it into their minds that they should not misuse their strength advantage but employ it for good.
Unfortunately, some women find these courtesies patronizing. I find them charming and believe that the majority of women do as well.
Men, please keep being gentlemen!
Thank you.

Constantine · Post by **Constantine** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 5:09 pm

I don't think being gentlemanly (or ladylike) should be restricted to dealings with the opposite sex. I hold the door open for anyone of any sex, age or station who happens to be nearby. I just call it being polite. (I must confess I wouldn't rush to hold a door for someone who is far ahead of me, though I wouldn't knock anyone who did.)

SteveS. · Post by **SteveS.** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 6:46 pm

In West Texas those kinds of courtesies are an every day occurance. Major difference from Fall River where I've seen doors slammed in womens faces.

On a side note....nice quote from Melville, Constantine.

Constantine · Post by **Constantine** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 6:49 pm

Thanks. I believe it's from Billy Budd. I found it on the True Crime Library site.

kssunflower · Post by **kssunflower** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:37 pm

Yes, SteveS, courtesy is alive and well in the midwest. You won't catch me complaining when a door is held or an occasional cowboy or trucker tips his hat to me.

xyjw · Post by **xyjw** » Wed Jul 29, 2009 12:27 am

I make a lot of victorian clothing and corsets and have had many occasions to wear them. I know this is probably not why these courtesies began but, it's such a huge help when a man holds the door or helps you step out of a carriage and you are in full victorian dress. And even when I am not in victorian attire it is exhilirating to have a gentleman hold a door or pull out a chair. I don't find acts of civility patronizing at all!

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Wed Jul 29, 2009 1:02 am

Maybe a male does that to be noticed?
He needs to aquaint himself with many many females over his lifespan in order to find a mate, temporary or long-term. That could include small talk and pulling out a chair for a female- holding a door-tipping a hat. That gets him noticed. Rather than hitting his choice over the head with a club and dragging her to his cave...

Nadzieja · Post by **Nadzieja** » Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:51 am

Quite awhile ago Ted & I were riding the subway in Boston. Of course as always, we were packed in like sardines. We got on very early on the line so we had seats. This lady got who had to be close to nine months pregnant. I was so proud he stood up & offered his seat which she gladly took. The other "gentlemen" dressed in their fancy three piece suits just sat & looked guilty.

One other time I was at the doctors office just waiting to get an appt & of course in a line. This very elderly man was sitting & his middle age son was standing next to him. This man got up & insisted I take his seat. I felt really wierd because I always gave up my seat for someone of his age. I took it because he wouldn't take no for an answer. I thanked him & sat down. When I looked at his son he whispered Thank You. I'll never forget that man or his kindness.

Shelley · Post by **Shelley** » Wed Jul 29, 2009 9:07 am

I also agree with Constantine- courtesy or graciousness should know no boundaries as to age or gender. I believe women should allow gentlemen the opportunity to be chivalrous. It's a rough world out there with so many rude people pushing and shoving, discourtesy, and unkindness abounding in actions and speech.

I always say we boomers are the last to recall the "Eisenhower" years which marked the end of civility before the 1960's broke forth with "tell it like it is" and "in your face" self expression. What is courtesy anyway except putting the feelings and needs of others ahead of your own?

For those who would cry that this is not being true to oneself, I would counter with the view that one can make one's own judgements privately, and act upon them without treading wholesale on the feelings of others who may not share your views. In the many years I was a teacher, I found that young people respond gratefully to the daily courtesies and politeness which I feel must be taught from the cradle up. It is not a sign of weakness to compromise, nor to accept the little courtesies such as opening a door, lifting a heavy object, offering a seat to someone who needs it more, etc. It is also a gift to be able to receive these little expressions of thoughtfulness where the giver and receiver feel equally gratified.

Lately I am finding I jokingly say almost daily "I'm glad I won''t be around much longer" as yet another atrocious thing comes over the news, or another appalling accusation comes out of Hollywood. I think we have just about reached the negative end of the spectrum when it comes to how low the "civilized" human race has descended as to behavior and expression. Surely the pendulum must be swinging back the other way soon- I hope I live long enough to see it.

Angel · Post by **Angel** » Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:13 am

.I agree with you wholeheartedly, Shelley. (and Constantine)

ddnoe · Post by **ddnoe** » Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:41 am

Angel @ Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:13 am wrote:I agree with you wholeheartedly.

(Denise) With whom do you agree wholeheartedly?

Constantine · Post by **Constantine** » Fri Jul 31, 2009 7:09 pm

A few more thoughts on politeness:

It can be overdone, as anyone knows who has ever been nauseated by an overly servile waiter.

It isn’t everything. There are many decent people who are a bit rough around the edges and there are people who have all the social graces down pat and can charm the pants off you right up to the moment they strangle you with them.

We should look at rules of etiquette with a critical eye. Some are essential, some arbitrary and some downright ridiculous, having nothing to do with consideration for others. I believe in saying “please” and “thank you,” holding doors open for others and giving up your seat to anyone who is incapacitated. But I hardly think that failing to tip your hat can be considered rude, though doing so is a nice gesture. (I get around that one by hardly ever wearing one.) I hope there aren’t too many people left who think that only men, if anyone, should use slang and never in mixed company. And what idiot ever decided there was anything wrong with putting your elbows on the table?

(I must confess that, back in my college days, I once didn’t get up for a pregnant woman. She had marched straight up to me and smirked at me expectantly (no pun intended). I thought it pretty rude of her to single me out in that manner. Besides, she was pretty robust. I stayed put; someone else gave her a seat; she gave me a dirty look and that was the end of it. I hope that if it happened today, I would get up anyway. After all, I had no quarrel with the foetus.)

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:07 am

I was driving up to a neighborhood 3-way stop sign today and when there's going to be a debate over who stopped first I like to forestall that by gently rolling a bit more before stopping fully to show the other car- who is already stopping- that they may take the right of way. They rarely do. They sit there and we have a stand-off.
What is silly of me- I admit- is to think sometimes that it's a bother when they do that- because they are forcing me to take my turn altho I've acknowledged openly they will and should be first. I don't understand that. I don't do that to be polite- I do it for expediency- so there's no guessing who was first. Forcing courtesy on someone is rude actually, I think.
I know- it's weird...

Is it about control rather than courtesy- as with your incident Constantine?

I have white hair. Men hold doors open for me for so long as I am approaching from many steps away, that I have to scramble faster to *allow them* to hold the door for me. That happens a lot!

Constantine · Post by **Constantine** » Mon Aug 03, 2009 4:16 pm

In the first case, I think I'd simply get the matter over with as quickly as possible consistent with safety (though that's easy for me to say, not being a driver). You can stop for a few moments and wave the other driver on, if possible, but if s/he doesn't respond reasonably promptly, go ahead and don't worry about it. A somewhat similar situation is rush hour on the subway, where one simply has to keep moving and has no time for excessive politeness (I said "excessive").

In the case of my experience above, control was the issue, but more often, I think, it's an exaggerated sense of obligation.

In the case of the doorholders, I would pleasantly say, "Oh thank you, don't trouble yourself" (or words to that effect) and keep walking at your normal pace. You have no obligation to speed up for them. In fact, they should say, "Please don't hurry on my account" (or words to THAT effect).