Audrey goes to Chicago

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 1:31 am

Allo! I missed you all! (And plenty of excitement, I see!)

I went away to Chicago for a conference...

I left Wednesday and returned this evening.. (Monday)

The conference was aimed at those who work with prison/jail populace and was attended by advocates (such as myself) as well as guards, corrections officers, lawyers, etc etc etc...

I presented Sunday afternoon... (my topic was multi-cultural mores and morals and how they affect recidivism)

BUT, I will not bore you with that tale... Instead I will tell you about the big ol' ship of fools I was on the entire trip!

My office (me) stupidly coordinated riding/staying/etc with people who do what I do in neighboring states... It never hurts to network! There were 3 others, besides me.

I drove to Omaha Wednesday evening and stayed overnight with my friend Shayla. (The one I got arrested with a hundred years ago) We stayed up half the night drinking the two bottles of wine I took her and laughed and talked..

The next day she drops me off at the "meetin' up place" and slinks back into her car to go home and go back to bed...

Things get off on the wrong foot when the woman who INSISTED we use her van for the trip (a 2000 Ford Winstar despite my earlier offer to use my new GM flagship sedan with on-star and one of those global positioning things) announces she is not planning to run the AC as it "eats up the gas" (That our combined offices are paying her 46 cents a mile for)

I smile politely and hop into the way back seat-- saying a little prayer that everyone had plenty of antiperspirant on.

One of the other woman immediately plops a desk top oscillating fan on the seat beside me.. (Which I had to steady the entire trip as the seat belts were missing)

Still, I smile politely...

En route (windows down, blowing my formidable bun to smithereens) the driver puts in one of many "mixed cds" her son burnt her... Soon we were treated to every song The Judds ever recorded followed by other Country Chart Topping Smashes I have never heard before...

Remember.. the windows are down-- so that creature who was driving had the thing on really loud...

Still, I smile politely...

One of my companions had a prosthetic leg... I had to help her in and out of the van by "Pushing on her butt"

Still, I smile politely...

We get to Illinois and the driver lurches the van over to the shoulder and announces that she is not driving anymore-- So someone else has to. I still do not know why I raised my hand..

Back on the road I ask if we couldn't just put the AC on... After all, it is 90! She tells me, and I quote... "No way Jose"....

We get to Chicago.... I HATED driving it-- I thought I was going to throw up from pure stress and tension several times..

Luckily we were staying at the Drake... Lovely. I think-- well-- It has to get better here.

I get stuck with old tin leg...

Still, I smile politely...

I am STARVED as all they would stop for on the way was either convenience stores of fast food-- and I can not eat that stuff. So I ask them if they want to go to dinner.. MY TREAT. Of course-- they were delighted.

We ate seafood in the Cape Cod room...

Of course.. I smiled politely..

Back in our room.. Tinny proceeds to don an adult diaper RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, all the while explaining that it takes to long to strap on her leg in the middle of the night...

Still, I smile politely...

Friday was the get to know the others day... We had a breakfast mixer before boarding a bus for Game 1 of the Cubs/Red Sox 3 weekend games.

Who do you think had to push Tinny's butt up into the bus?

Still, I smile politely...

We get to Wrigley Field and to our seats-- Behind home plate on the second level... Not bad seats at all...

Driver Witch (Who I secretly referred to as Eva Braun) announces that she is going down to the dug out area to hang over the fence and ask for autographs for her son... She comes back in disgust having failed to get the ball players' attention and no autographs. I boldly announce that my Zackary would love a signed ball and trot off to buy a souvenir ball and sashay myself right down to the dug out-- where one well placed "enchante" and a little side ways head cock gets the attention of Bronson Arroyo who signs the ball and calls over 9 others who do as well.... Take that Eva...

She DID NOT smile politely...

We could see the sky box corridor and doors where we were sitting and I told them all that I was going up there to sit... They doubted me. That was just another one of their many mistakes...

I waited and watched.. and this man kept emerging from the box to smoke-- So I caught his eye-- waved and smiled and he waved back and was soon at my side and asked me if I cared to join him and his party in the sky box... I accepted with delight. (He was a total gentleman the entire time)

The Cubs won!

We return to the hotel and have a quiet night...

By the next morning I had met other people and did not hang out much with my traveling companions...

Saturday night a bunch of us walked to a Blues Festival in Millennium Park...

It was FABU!

Sunday was my presentation...

We spent Sunday night in the hotel and left this (Monday) morning...

It took us 12 hours to get home.. NO AC, Tinny had trouble getting her leg on so she took some diaretics... (Where in the heck was the depends when she needed them?)

By halfway home I had totally had it. I am not one to swear much-- and especially in front of people I do not know well...

BUT! I think I was justified in screeching " TURN THAT AC ON... I COULD COOK A ****ING ROAST IN HERE" She turned it on and then proceeded to complain about it the whole time-- I offered her $20 and she had the nerve to take it....

I am happy to be home....

XOXOXOXO

Auds

Kat · Post by **Kat** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 1:49 am

I think your Topic sounds really interesting!

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:18 am

Wow...what an experience ! You were ever the lady, not inflicting bodily harm on Eva ! NO AC ??? What was this torturess thinking ???

I am sure your presentation was lovely and impressive. I am glad you got to have some fun along the way.

Just click your heels 3 times and say..."There's no place like home..."

Tracy...

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:22 am

Audrey, you sound like my kind of traveling companion! Glad that you had a little bit of fun amidst the chaos and are home safe and sound. So, how was your presentation? I'm sure you must have received a well deserved round of applause!

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:44 am

My presentation mainly dealt with the way women are treated in other cultures. ie-- In Mexico it is not only not illegal, but not shocking to see a 14-15 year old girl dating a 21 year old man... The Sudanese woman in my community have little say in their fate...

In many cases legally punishing these men leads to more pain for their woman...

I most certainly do not approve of these customs--But until they are understood we can not work with these men toward a better way of life for them AND their families.

Many of them INTEND to continue just as they were prior to their incarceration causing more arrests and eventual deportation.

It is a horribly viscous circle...

On a lighter note...

I really could have cooked a roast in that damn van.

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:50 am

I promise I won't make you watch me put on a pair of Depends...or push my butt up into a Windstar !

Tracy...

Harry · Post by **Harry** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 7:01 am

Audrey, you should have stressed to "driver witch" your extreme interest in the Borden murder case, as you brought up the subject of the A/C.

Next trip, strap a hatchet around your waist and glare kind of funny if they object. You can even talk to the hatchet, ala Billy Borden. That should do it.

Thanks for the story. Glad you made it back OK..

stuartwsa · Post by **stuartwsa** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:21 am

Audrey, you really should have your own syndicated column in the newspapers. The account of your trip to Chicago was hysterical!

Stefani · Post by **Stefani** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:34 am

Auds, thanks for that story. I felt like I was there! You have an incredible nack for stating the obvious in such interesting and humorous ways!

On a side note, I am just like you when it comes to telling people when you are away. I never post here that I am going somewhere until I come back---just in case. Seems the smart thing to do!

diana · Post by **diana** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:16 pm

I was wondering where you were, Audrey.

Your account was hilarious! ... and she took the $20!!! I love it.

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:29 pm

theebmonique @ Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:50 am wrote:I promise I won't make you watch me put on a pair of Depends...or push my butt up into a Windstar !

Tracy...

I notice you only promised not to make me watch you put the Depends on... Not promise NOT to wear some. (Proving my suspicions all along)

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:32 pm

diana @ Tue Jun 14, 2005 2:16 pm wrote:I was wondering where you were, Audrey.

Your account was hilarious! ... and she took the $20!!! I love it.

Can you believe the nerve of her taking that money? Something tells me I should have flashed a $50 at her on the way and we could have made the entire trip in cool comfort!

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 3:05 pm

Your suspicions my dear sister ??? Gee...and I was going to run the A/C for FREE when we are in FR...but now it all DEPENDS !

Tracy...

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 3:34 pm

Poor Berky/Scoundrel lacks the ovaries to tell me off via the forum... But she did give me her permission to do as I pleased with the email and attachment...

Feel free to route (which you will) or to post on the Forum ( which I doubt). I rather think there are those who would agree with my interpretation but shy from making their opinion public on the board.

I saw that "trip report" as self-autopsied expose' of the real Audrey.

You and Lizzie have two common characteristics. Can you figure out which?

Faye Musselman
Payson, Arizona

How is London?

(I deleted the attachment)

Harry · Post by **Harry** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 3:52 pm

Auds, just 3 words:

CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

Glad to have you back!!!!

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 3:58 pm

Oh I know Harry... I think it is funny

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:19 pm

-----Original Message-----
From: Faye Musselman [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 2:59 PM
To: The Martin Family
Subject: One Reader's Interpretation

Feel free to route (which you will) or to post on the Forum ( which I
doubt). I rather think there are those who would agree with my
interpretation but shy from making their opinion public on the board.

I saw that "trip report" as self-autopsied expose' of the real Audrey.

You and Lizzie have two common characteristics. Can you figure out which?

Faye Musselman
Payson, Arizona

Gee Faye...I am hurt. You will email Auds, but not me. Sniiifff...sniiifff.

I was confused by your use of the word autopsy in describing your impression of Audrey's "trip report". Since you do not know the real Audrey, and your (IMHO) lack of awareness of the definition for the word autopsy, I wonder how you come up with your "self-autopsied expose'" interpretation ? Please feel free to explain. I eagerly await your response. You know my email address if you would prefer to submit your explanation privately.

My sources for knowing the definition of "autopsy" are 16+ years in the health care field, my experience as a teacher, and the following from dictionary.com:

7 entries found for autopsy.
au·top·sy ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ôtps, ôtp-)
n. pl. au·top·sies
Examination of a cadaver to determine or confirm the cause of death. Also called necropsy, postmortem, postmortem examination.
A critical assessment or examination after the fact: a post-election campaign autopsy.

tr.v. au·top·sied, au·top·sying, au·top·sies
To subject to an autopsy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Greek autopsi, a seeing for oneself : auto-, auto- + opsis, sight; see okw- in Indo-European Roots.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
au·topsic or au·topsi·cal adj.
autopsist n.

[Download Now or Buy the Book]
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

au·top·sy (ôtps, ôtp-)
n.

An examination of a cadaver in order to determine the cause of death or to study pathologic changes. Also called necropsy, postmortem, postmortem examination.

Source: The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary
Copyright © 2002, 2001, 1995 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Main Entry: au·top·sy
Pronunciation: 'o-"täp-sE, -t&p-
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -sies
: an examination of a body after death usually involving dissection esp. to determine the cause of death called also post mortem post mortem examination —autopsy transitive verb

Source: Merriam-Webster's Dictionary of Law, © 1996 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

Main Entry: 1au·top·sy
Pronunciation: 'o-"täp-sE, 'ot-&p-
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -sies
: an examination of the body after death usually with such dissection as will expose the vital organs for determining the cause of death or the character and extent of changes produced by disease called also necropsy, postmortem, postmortem examination

Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

Main Entry: 2autopsy
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Forms: -sied; -sy·ing
: to perform an autopsy on

Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

autopsy

n : an examination and dissection of a dead body to determine cause of death or the changes produced by disease [syn: necropsy, postmortem, PM, postmortem examination] v : perform an autopsy on a dead body; do a post-mortem

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=autopsy

Tracy...

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:29 pm

The more I think about it, the more I realize she thrives on stuff like this...

She has pulled me in before... Not again.

Have a nice day Becky/Faye. Smile and think about credibility.

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:41 pm

Excellent idea Auds. I too have experienced dealings with her...NO MORE.

OK...back to the purpose of this post...

What fun food did you find in the "windy city"...? Did you lunch with Oprah ?

Tracy...

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:43 pm

I did not...

We did drive by Harpo Studios!

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:50 pm

Do they still do the "TASTE OF CHICAGO" thing in the summer ?

Tracy...

augusta · Post by **augusta** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 5:45 pm

Thanks for the great story, Audrey. It was wonderful! Hats off to you making it to Chicago with no a/c. And driving thru Chicago. Did you know before you went that it was a real bad place traffic-wise?

Oh, that's right. You can't answer me because you're dead. And you did your own autopsy??? Goodness, your skills just keep amazing us!

Methinks someone on here is quite jealous of you. That person always has to be The Queen of whatever forum she's on.

Tracy is so sweet. You guys'll have a blast together.

Nancie · Post by **Nancie** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 6:57 pm

very funny story A, you do have a knack for writing
very creative and amusing. I must be too hot here
in joisey to understand the autopsy reference.

Paul · Post by **Paul** » Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:15 am

Audrey,

You just amaze me with the events of your life. Thanks for sharing your most eloquent writings.

Paul

monarchrn · Post by **monarchrn** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 11:35 pm

Confused by the use of the word autopsy...does no one have a sense of humor in here...geez..you people are so pompous sometimes its sickening...i work as an RN and i see where the term autopsy fits.

Audrey and her use of the nickname Tinny for the lady with the artificial leg...Miss DO gooder, how dare you....lol Just because the people you made the trip with weren't up to her ladi da standards does not give her the right to ridicule them... Someone should quote her little write up in the papers....as is and see how funny the the public sees it.

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 12:01 am

monarchrn,

I assure you that if you starting posting a bit more regularly here, you will get to know us better and not think mean things about us. We really are good people. If you knew some of the reasons why we had posted some of the things we did, it would make much more sense to you. Give us a chance.

Tracy...

Liz Crouthers · Post by **Liz Crouthers** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 12:17 am

Yeah give them a chance, I di and It worked out fine.

monarchrn · Post by **monarchrn** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 12:53 am

I have been in here for a while...just sitting back and reading and watching... I may not post often, but I am in here often. I get really upset when one gives the air that they are of better material than others. I see it as we are all equal, whether wealthy, poor, whatever. I felt her portrayal of the lady with the artificial leg was just belittling, for all of the people she was with for that matter. I have a low tolerance for this behavior, especially from someone who is supposed to be an advocate for those less fortunate. I found the post both appalling and belittling, as if looking down her nose at them. I have seen newbies unsubscribe from here because of they way they crucify their posts. I just find it all appalling. If I misunderstood it, which I don't feel I did, then I apologize.

Audrey · Post by **Audrey** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 1:23 am

Mon Dieu...

It really does not matter ever so much. Every person is different and has a different sense of what they do think is funny...

Not quite everyone will adore me....

monarchrn · Post by **monarchrn** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 1:56 am

not quite

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:10 am

Monarch,

I worked in a hospital for nearly 16 years before I started teaching. A chunk of my time was spent scrubbing in the O.R. It was a very interesting place. CV and Abd Hys's were my favorite. I did enjoy some Gen Surg. procedures as well. Sometimes harvests were very interesting...especially with several different teams coming in for organs. Do you have a specialty ?

Tracy...

(BTW: Check your PM's. I sent you one. Did it go through ?)

monarchrn · Post by **monarchrn** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:27 am

got your PM and replied.

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:40 am

For some reason, I didn't get your reply. I just sent one to myself to check and make sure I could get them, and it went through. Maybe it will just take a while for your reply to get to me...sometimes that happens. I know some people would prefer not to use email, but you are welcome to email me your reply instead if you would like. I look forward to hearing from you. My email is [email protected]

Tracy...

monarchrn · Post by **monarchrn** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:48 am

I sent another, maybe it does take a while...

theebmonique · Post by **theebmonique** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 2:54 am

LOL...maybe I am cursed. Nothing yet. Oh well, it's time for some zzz's. I will check again in the morning. Maybe it's a temporary glitch in the system. G'night all.

Tracy...